10b3 Scores - Argumentative Essay: Ken Robinson on Creativity

I was very impressed with 10b3's effort on these essays.  Much improved from the first assignment, and I can see much more time was spent polishing and proofreading.  I told myself I was going to limit my comments to a sentence or two, but I found myself writing more - which attests to the strength of the writing.  I encourage you all to click around and read each others work.  I was happy to see that many of you actually disagreed with Robinson's views - some more than others.  There are a lot of unique approaches to the essay - some more personal than others, some more argumentative in tone that others.  All unique and (dare I say) CREATIVE.; )

For each assignment, I will often feature an essay which I found to be very well written.  Keep in mind it doesn't mean that it was the "best" or the "highest scoring," but, in my opinion, worth looking at to learn something from.  It won't be the same person every assignment, so just consider this as a means of learning by example.

While there were many EXCELLENT essays to chose from, I would like to take a look at Seungmo's for this discussion.  Titled "Our Education in Crisis," Seugmo maintains his opinion clearly and concisely throughout the essay, and his message was never stalled or lost.  While not a particularly gifted or flowery writer, Seugnmo's style is economical and "to the point."  In terms of organization and structure, this essay has a lot going for it: a variety of examples (personal, historical, cultural), different modes of persuasion (ethos, pathos, logos), and a creative introduction.

Let's elaborate on these points.  In his introduction, Seungmo appeals to pathos through his emotional "third person" narrative:

There is one boy in the class, who is well-rounded, gets a good score on school exams, but is so sick of the pressuring school environment. What he sees in his ordinary school life is students penalized and hit by teachers and teachers giving out offensive comments to students. He is not interested in asking questions, or giving out his opinion, since a fear of making mistakes surrounds him. His interests only lie on getting a good score on tests and not getting recognized as a troublemaker by teachers.

While there are many things we could clean up and the flow isn't perfect (teachers and teachers, lie on etc.), the intro is swift and it has a hook.  Who is this boy?  In his second paragraph, he tells us.  It's him! And here we have an appeal to authority - ethos.  He's credible because he's sharing first hand experience. When reading something, our first question is often: Why should we listen to this writer?  In this case, the writer is voicing his own experience, and has clearly established his argument:  Korean education is repressive.   No fluff or attempt to "gild the lily" as our friend Red would say.

In terms of varied examples that support his opinion, I found his historical application to add particular depth:

Korean society had experience such a great and unprecedented development in economy, during 1960s to 1990s. A skilled worker was in great need, as mass production of goods was significant to economic development. As Robinson claimed “industrial development gave an importance to subjects such as math”, Korea was of no difference. Plus, uniformity and standardization, which are concepts directly opposite to raising creativity, were highlight. Considering opinions of individuals are useless for mass production, it is obvious that creativity was shadowed by the need to implant unified knowledge to students. Some people claim that this social development is a universal phenomenon that took places all around the world. However, Korea went through this stage very rapidly and recently unlike any other countries. Therefore, our society tends to neglect the importance of creativity more seriously.

While the writing could use a bit of tidying up, the ideas are presented throughout the paragraph to add up to the final sentence.  In this sense, a paragraph can often be considered to be a small math equation which adds up to a bigger part of a bigger overall equation.  Our examples should seek to make that equation as balanced and interesting as possible.  If a recipe for cookies, we need chocolate chips and not just a lot of flour.  Seungmo goes on to contrast his different experiences in different education systems:

 From a young student’s view, a lot of things seemed so different when I first attended Canadian school. Entering the classroom for the first time with a bit of tension, I noticed that tables are all in different shapes and arranged in a position which makes it easier for students to have discussions and communications. It was contrary to what I had seen in Korea, where all schools are designed same with gray-colored and square-shaped classrooms which have 40 identical chairs and desks. The classroom itself isn’t yet sufficient to encourage students think creatively. These trivial things directly show how creativity is devaluated in Korean education. Without any shadow of hesitation, I strongly believe if Korean society does not seek its way to raise students’ creativity, its future is hopeless without any competitiveness.

This is Seungmo's final paragraph, and while I think the point is very clear and well presented as an appeal to logic (logos - as in we can hardly argue that the way desks are set up is not a valid example), I don't think this is the strongest way to end the essay.  And this is another reason I chose to highlight Seungmo's effort.  If we go back and re-read his intro, does this conclusion capitalize on his creative third person narrative?  Not really.  If and when an opportunity presents itself to implement a "bookend" - we should seize the opportunity.  Things that aren't structurally sound in this final paragraph:  new information introduced which should actually stand alone as a separate idea; lack of a true summary of ideas discussed; it doesn't "look" or read like a satisfying conclusion.


However, I chose Seungmo's essay to highlight simply because it mixes personal experience with good solid examples which underline a bit of a thesis or main argument - which always is clear and balanced.  As well, this essay can be read with or without Robinson's speech to support the content.  Standing alone, it still makes sense and offers a valid comment which reaches ethos, pathos, and logos.

BTW: What is a bookend?  It's a word I use to describe an intro and conclusion that bring us back to a theme or prop which holds up the essay in a creative manner.  Literally speaking, here is a picture of what bookends are as objects:

Figuratively, we have three body paragraphs supported by an intro and conclusion which, though similar, aren't the same.  An intro and conclusion that truly satisfy the reader are often like these "bookends."  

Some other essays I found to be particularly well written: Sunny for her colorful writing, Jane for her conversational creative flow .  In an argumentative essay, you are encouraged to adopt a certain tone which engages the reader from start to finish, and these essays did that well.  

Here are the scores.  Do add them up to make sure my math is solid.

	Alias	Content/10	Mechanics/10	Structure/5	TOTAL/25
	Watermelon	9.3	9.3	4.7	23.3
	Banana	9.3	9.2	4.6	23.1
	Kiwi	9.1	9.0	4.6	22.7
	Lime	9.3	9.2	4.7	23.2
	Grape	9.1	9.0	4.6	22.7
	Apple	9.3	9.2	4.6	23.1
	Mango	9.2	9.1	4.6	22.9
	Pear	9.0	9.0	4.5	22.5
	Orange	9.3	9.3	4.6	23.2
	Plum	9.1	8.8	4.6	22.5
	Lemon	9.4	9.3	4.7	23.4
	Tangerine	9.3	9.2	4.7	23.2
	Strawberry	9.1	9.2	4.6	22.9